Embracing ME

I have felt for a while now like I have lost myself or changed significantly since college. If you didn’t know me in college, I am sure you know someone like me: I was that girl always in the middle of the circle. You could always hear me in a room. I wasn’t afraid of standing out or being the life of the party. You know that person I am talking about. I thought for a while that I have just changed from being an extrovert to an introvert, but a seminar I was at lately made me rethink this. The professor read part of this book to us including the quote, “Closet introverts pass undetected on playgrounds, in high school locker rooms, and in the corridors of corporate America. Some fool even themselves, until some life event-” Why would I pretend to be an extrovert when I really wasn’t? Here is another quote from the book:

“Today we make room for a remarkably narrow range of personality styles. We’re told that to be great is to be bold, to be happy is to be sociable…. Introverts living under the Extrovert Ideal are like women in a man’s world, disconnected because of a trait that goes to the core of who they are. Extroversion is an enormously appealing personality style, but we’ve turned it into an oppressive standard to which most of us feel we must conform.”

Quiet the Power of Introverts in a World That Can’t Stop Talking by Susan Cain

Wow. That is powerful.

The truth is I was never an extrovert (I am sure some college friends would disagree) I was just really good at acting. I thought the insecurities I had about myself were less obvious if I was bold, confident, loud, happy, social, etc. The truth is pretending to be someone I am not really has left me even more insecure about my true characteristics. So I am now on a journey to embrace all of me (the REAL me- the good, the bad, the ugly):

1. I HATE crowds (and will make excuses to avoid them).
2. Certain people make me feel safe. Certain people do not. (and everyone who encounters me probably assumes they fall in the first category, because I would never tell you otherwise.)
3. I am not shy, rude, or uptight. (most of the time.) (However, it can take a while to get to know that/me.)
4. I am TERRIBLE at small talk.
5. If I make the choice to spend time with you please appreciate it, because I enjoy my time to myself.
6. I LOVE making other people feel special, treasured, valued.
7. My love languages are: gifts (because I love the idea that someone was thinking about me when I wasn’t around) and quality time (most likely because if I spend time with you that is a sacrifice I am willing to make to show you love).
8. When I read a novel I get caught up in it easily and it is difficult for me to pull myself out of that shell.
9. I am working on finding a balance between meeting my introvert needs and serving along-side Daniel in his youth ministry.
10. Even though I am an introvert I still desire praise. (I rarely ask for it though)

I confess that for a long time I pretended to be something I wasn’t, but no more giving into the idea that extroverts are better! Hi my name is Jodi and I am an introvert…. and that isn’t a problem.

Are you better yet?

I think Laurie, the counselor I have been seeing, realized pretty quickly I am a perfectionist/control freak. The things that are beyond my control tend to frustrate me most. Even battling depression, and the lack of motivation that accompanies it, I find myself trying to control as much of it as possible. Most noticeably, I have wanted to control the timeline more anything.

Daniel and I were having a conversation the other day that made me aware of my expectations of how long this process should be and how long it is taking. I think some of my expectations stem from the ignorance (I mean the literal lack of knowledge) of others. People, meaning well, are constantly offering advice on how to get better, "Oh, you just need_________." I  have heard this multiple times, just fill in the blank: to forgive your parents, SUN, to pray about it, community, to get over it, to think more positive. Trust me when I say I am doing everything I can to get "better". I am praying, reading, talking to a counselor, taking medication (and yes, I am one of those who are grateful the Lord has provided me with some medication that helps this illness), using Essential Oils.

I took my concerns and frustrations to my counselor and to be honest she called me out on my perfectionist tendency and gave me great advice. She used an analogy of a river. If this journey is a river I started out being overcome by the current, barely keeping my head above water. I mean initially I could barely get off of my couch. However, within the last couple of months I have come a long way. Even though the current is still pulling, I am surviving. Honestly, I don't want to go back. I want to be on the other end of this stronger, more beautiful, and with a stronger faith for our Savior. When I focus on where I want to be (OVER IT) of course I am not going to be satisfied, but what it comes down to is the Lord has me where I am right now. 

I confess that I have expectations and my own timeline that I have allowed to consume me at times. However, my hope and prayer is that I can begin to ENJOY the place the Lord has me in, no matter how difficult it is. 

The Transparent Bride

Growing up my family always went to church. We were there every time the doors were open. My parents raised my brother and I according to biblical scripture. We understood what was right and wrong and tried our hardest to live a life that represented Christ well. Last year, after being married over thirty years, my parents informed me they were getting a divorce. Just like that, they made the decision to abandon the right and wrong they had taught me growing up in order to find happiness. As someone who believes the Bible is the inspired word of God, I can't believe that it is acceptable to believe part of it and not other parts. 

I know that this is controversial. I know that right now our culture wants to us to believe that whatever we believe should be ok with everyone. With that being said I will not apologize for believing it to be true when the bible says marriage is a life long bonding that should not be broken. 

So, without going into too much detail, now I am in this place where the people who taught me right and wrong are doing something they taught me to be wrong. Good news! I also believe that we can always be forgiven, for we have a gracious God who chooses to redeem us. I believe that when we sin, ACKNOWLEDGE IT AS SIN, ASK for forgiveness, AND TURN from our sin we are forgiven. (Thank The Lord, right?!) 

On top of all of this, it has been a tough school year for this teacher, I have added becoming a youth minister's wife, and moving to all of the stress as well. I was able to survive okay until November hit, when the move to a new town came with the emptiness of the holidays. I found myself realizing a few weeks ago that I am in the middle of full blown depression. I have never struggled with depression before so it took me a little bit to understand that it was not normal to never want to leave my couch. I started seeing a counselor and she spent most of the time affirming me that anyone who goes through this much loss would be in this place. Which got me thinking about how I should not be ashamed of this. The more I found myself being honest with people around me the more people confessed that they struggle or have struggled with depression and anxiety. I find comfort knowing I am not alone and fight the idea that this does not make me a bad Christian or pastor's wife. And I find comfort knowing that because of my honesty I have a group of warriors praying on my behalf.

I believe God's intention for the Church is to be a transparent community that uplifts each other then goes out to reach the world. Here is my confession: I am a believer who is struggling with depression and anxiety. And I take comfort in knowing that this does not make me any less of a woman of God. I also confess it was not easy for me to post and admit all of this. Vulnerability will never be easy for me, but here it goes.

This is our Story of Redemption

As of three months ago my husband is officially a full-time youth minister. Subsequently that means as of three months ago I am officially a youth minister's wife. I remember praying as a hormone raging teenager for the Lord to send Mr. Right my way. He needed to be a believer, hilarious, good looking, loving, athletic, and I didn't care what he did as long he had a job that was not in the military or the Church. A little specific, I know. I didn't want a military man for obvious reasons. The idea of fighting in wars and being without him for extended periods of time seemed terrifying. I didn't want a husband who worked in the Church because despite what most people realize they go to war each day as well. This war is much more intimate though. Church is a place where people usually feels very safe and because of that when sin enters in and attacks it can hurt much more. I have seen it first hand. 

However, here I am, in love with a man who loves the Church so much he cannot imagine himself doing anything else. And my fears have come true. I am sure other minister's wives would agree with me when I say being the wife of a minister is a job in itself. Growing up I thought that job was mostly baking casseroles and praying, neither of which I did enough. I thought pastor's wives had to be perfect, the purest, the most devoted. Thankfully I have come to realize that my expectations of these woman are a little exaggerated. I have been fighting this idea that I have to be perfect to be in this role, which lead me to write this blog. I think a problem with the Church is that even though it is a place for the broken and redeemed we put on the facade that our lives are perfect. This has allowed the devil to whisper into the hearts of people like me, "True Christians don't have problems. If you were a better believer you would have it all together." I am writing this blog to confess my imperfections, failures, and triumphs in order to be a light to those who are hurting, in need of a savior, and those who will never live up to the standard we currently set for ourselves, perfection. 

Here is my confession: I am afraid of failing as a pastor's wife because I know the importance of this role. But even more than that I am afraid of making no difference at all.