The Transparent Bride

Growing up my family always went to church. We were there every time the doors were open. My parents raised my brother and I according to biblical scripture. We understood what was right and wrong and tried our hardest to live a life that represented Christ well. Last year, after being married over thirty years, my parents informed me they were getting a divorce. Just like that, they made the decision to abandon the right and wrong they had taught me growing up in order to find happiness. As someone who believes the Bible is the inspired word of God, I can't believe that it is acceptable to believe part of it and not other parts. 

I know that this is controversial. I know that right now our culture wants to us to believe that whatever we believe should be ok with everyone. With that being said I will not apologize for believing it to be true when the bible says marriage is a life long bonding that should not be broken. 

So, without going into too much detail, now I am in this place where the people who taught me right and wrong are doing something they taught me to be wrong. Good news! I also believe that we can always be forgiven, for we have a gracious God who chooses to redeem us. I believe that when we sin, ACKNOWLEDGE IT AS SIN, ASK for forgiveness, AND TURN from our sin we are forgiven. (Thank The Lord, right?!) 

On top of all of this, it has been a tough school year for this teacher, I have added becoming a youth minister's wife, and moving to all of the stress as well. I was able to survive okay until November hit, when the move to a new town came with the emptiness of the holidays. I found myself realizing a few weeks ago that I am in the middle of full blown depression. I have never struggled with depression before so it took me a little bit to understand that it was not normal to never want to leave my couch. I started seeing a counselor and she spent most of the time affirming me that anyone who goes through this much loss would be in this place. Which got me thinking about how I should not be ashamed of this. The more I found myself being honest with people around me the more people confessed that they struggle or have struggled with depression and anxiety. I find comfort knowing I am not alone and fight the idea that this does not make me a bad Christian or pastor's wife. And I find comfort knowing that because of my honesty I have a group of warriors praying on my behalf.

I believe God's intention for the Church is to be a transparent community that uplifts each other then goes out to reach the world. Here is my confession: I am a believer who is struggling with depression and anxiety. And I take comfort in knowing that this does not make me any less of a woman of God. I also confess it was not easy for me to post and admit all of this. Vulnerability will never be easy for me, but here it goes.

This is our Story of Redemption

As of three months ago my husband is officially a full-time youth minister. Subsequently that means as of three months ago I am officially a youth minister's wife. I remember praying as a hormone raging teenager for the Lord to send Mr. Right my way. He needed to be a believer, hilarious, good looking, loving, athletic, and I didn't care what he did as long he had a job that was not in the military or the Church. A little specific, I know. I didn't want a military man for obvious reasons. The idea of fighting in wars and being without him for extended periods of time seemed terrifying. I didn't want a husband who worked in the Church because despite what most people realize they go to war each day as well. This war is much more intimate though. Church is a place where people usually feels very safe and because of that when sin enters in and attacks it can hurt much more. I have seen it first hand. 

However, here I am, in love with a man who loves the Church so much he cannot imagine himself doing anything else. And my fears have come true. I am sure other minister's wives would agree with me when I say being the wife of a minister is a job in itself. Growing up I thought that job was mostly baking casseroles and praying, neither of which I did enough. I thought pastor's wives had to be perfect, the purest, the most devoted. Thankfully I have come to realize that my expectations of these woman are a little exaggerated. I have been fighting this idea that I have to be perfect to be in this role, which lead me to write this blog. I think a problem with the Church is that even though it is a place for the broken and redeemed we put on the facade that our lives are perfect. This has allowed the devil to whisper into the hearts of people like me, "True Christians don't have problems. If you were a better believer you would have it all together." I am writing this blog to confess my imperfections, failures, and triumphs in order to be a light to those who are hurting, in need of a savior, and those who will never live up to the standard we currently set for ourselves, perfection. 

Here is my confession: I am afraid of failing as a pastor's wife because I know the importance of this role. But even more than that I am afraid of making no difference at all.