I think Laurie, the counselor I have been seeing, realized pretty quickly I am a perfectionist/control freak. The things that are beyond my control tend to frustrate me most. Even battling depression, and the lack of motivation that accompanies it, I find myself trying to control as much of it as possible. Most noticeably, I have wanted to control the timeline more anything.
Daniel and I were having a conversation the other day that made me aware of my expectations of how long this process should be and how long it is taking. I think some of my expectations stem from the ignorance (I mean the literal lack of knowledge) of others. People, meaning well, are constantly offering advice on how to get better, "Oh, you just need_________." I have heard this multiple times, just fill in the blank: to forgive your parents, SUN, to pray about it, community, to get over it, to think more positive. Trust me when I say I am doing everything I can to get "better". I am praying, reading, talking to a counselor, taking medication (and yes, I am one of those who are grateful the Lord has provided me with some medication that helps this illness), using Essential Oils.
I took my concerns and frustrations to my counselor and to be honest she called me out on my perfectionist tendency and gave me great advice. She used an analogy of a river. If this journey is a river I started out being overcome by the current, barely keeping my head above water. I mean initially I could barely get off of my couch. However, within the last couple of months I have come a long way. Even though the current is still pulling, I am surviving. Honestly, I don't want to go back. I want to be on the other end of this stronger, more beautiful, and with a stronger faith for our Savior. When I focus on where I want to be (OVER IT) of course I am not going to be satisfied, but what it comes down to is the Lord has me where I am right now.
I confess that I have expectations and my own timeline that I have allowed to consume me at times. However, my hope and prayer is that I can begin to ENJOY the place the Lord has me in, no matter how difficult it is.
